Father, Son, and Holy Big Mac
by GandhiTwerkin4Sushi
Summary: This is my first story. A ratchet twist on my favorite movie. Also check out my brother BlackPanthersMJ1958-2009 on Fanfiction!
1. Chapter 1: An Unexpected Outcome

Life Is Beautiful…Well Not in LA

This is just a bizarre and ghetto twist on one of my favorite movies, Roberto Benigni's Life Is Beautiful. *My first fanfic, so PLEASE R&R!

Chapter 1

It is 1991 here in Arezzo, Italy. Guido and his son, Giosue were passing the time going for a drive. Giosue said to his father, "This was a great idea, Papa". Guido smiled and replied, "It sure was". All was tranquil and pleasant for now. Suddenly, a black BMW drove by and stopped. Giosue, now with an expression of panic, said, "Papa, I think the police are behind us". Guido said with a chuckle, "Don't be silly. It's obvious we're not doing anything wrong". Unaware of who is inside the BMW, Guido and Giosue were blindfolded and taken to the car.

After a long ride and an additional exhausting flight to the United States, they were in what appeared to be Eastern Los Angeles. An unknown pair of hands finally took off their blindfolds. Giosue asked, "Do you know what's going on?". "Not at all", Guido replied. They were now on the floor in an unknown house. Above them was an extremely dark black lady that appeared to be the size of four sumo wrestlers combined. She had a large, sagging face with red and black hair and looked about 17-19 years old. She was also eating a Big Mac, which is why there was grease falling and splashing on their faces. The lady took off her shirt, and began slapping Guido and Giusue with her extremely large titties, shouting, "WAKE THE HELL UP!". They screamed and immediately rose up. The lady pulled them up and asked, "Who the hell are y'all niggas?". Guido, with both a confused and nervous look, replied, "My name is Guido Orefice and this is my son, Giosue. And you are..?". She ate her Big Mac in one bite and said, "My name's LaQueefa. LaQueefa Jones". Guido asked in confusion, "LaQueefa". "Yeah. You got a problem wit dat, nigga?!". "No", he replied, trying to stifle his laughter, but failing to do so. Giosue was doing the same. LaQueefa got close to Giosue's face and said, "Don't think I ain't finna hurt no lil kids, cuz _I will!". _She took them to the basement, which had several boxes, legs, and suitcases. Guido thought, _This is getting really strange. I don't know what she's capable of doing. As long as she doesn't hurt my son, everything will be fine. _

She turned the light on and said for both Guido and Giosue to sit down. They did. LaQueefa asked bluntly, "Are y'all terrorists?!". Guido replied, "No". "Extremists?". He again replied simply, "No". She said, "A'ight, we done. So where did y'all come from?". Guido answered, "Italy". LaQueefa said, "Oh, there's something about Italy that makes my titties jump in excitement". "Men and women that are attracted to each other, or maybe the beautiful sights, venues, and other places like that?", Guido guessed. LaQueefa replied, "Hell no! Nigga, I'm talkin' about dey beautiful ass food! One thing y'all don't know about me is that I don't play when it comes to food". "So, what was in all those bags, suitcases, and boxes down in the basement?". LaQueefa replied both bluntly and unashamedly, "Food. I got food from around the world: American, French, Mexican, Spanish, Italian, Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Korean BBQ, Thai, Vietnamese, Chilean, Argentine, Brazilian, Cuban, Jamaican, Danish, Irish, Filipino, Hawaiian, Puerto Rican, African, South African, Moroccan-". Guido interrupted, "Alright, we pretty much get the point. So is anyone else home right now?". "Nah, my mama should be home any minute from the nail salon. Maybe we'll do somethin' when she comes home.

Seconds later, LaQueefa's mother, Lamonaquisha, burst through the front door and shouted, "There's mah lil fat bitch!". "Hey, mama!", LaQueefa said as she tried to hug her, but failed to do so because of her extremely large titties. Lamonaquisha noticed Guido and Giosue and asked LaQueefa, "Who da f*ck are dese niggas?". LaQueefa said, "Mama, this is Guido Orefice and G-Geor-. How da f*ck do you pronounce that s*it?". Guido laughed and corrected, "Giosue". "Thank you". Lamonaquisha asked, "What kind of name is that?!". He said, "It's Italian". LaQueefa said, "Oh, I forgot y'all niggas were Italian. Anyway, I took them in and let them stay ova hur fo' a few months". "Did you interrogate them yet?", Lamonaquisha asked. LaQueefa replied, "Taken care of". "A'ight. Uh, can I talk to you upstairs really quick?". She then followed her mom to her room. Lamonaquisha closed the door and out of the blue, slapped LaQueefa across the face with her left titty. "Ow! The f*ck wuz that fo'?!". "Bitch! Are you crazy?! I don't want no foreign strangers up in my house!". "Mama, they're in hiding". "From what?", Lamonaquisha asked. LaQueefa replied, "I don't know, okay? But it's just for a few months and they seem like nice people. So, will you consider it?". "I guess", her mom replied, slightly annoyed. The two came back upstairs as loud footsteps were heard. LaQueefa said, "Mama and I are goin' to tha mall, and a few other errands. Y'all wanna come?". Guido replied, "Uh, sure". LaQueefa then said, "Hold on. Nigga, you ain't finna come wit us lookin' like Cab Calloway. Let's get that straight. We finna find you a fresh new look. Come on". Guido said to Giosue, "Stay down here", and followed LaQueefa upstairs. By the time she was done, Guido had on a fitted cap, a wifebeater, black shorts, and a fresh pair of Jordans. He also had on a gold chain. He said, "I look ridiculous". LaQueefa, angrily, said, "Fine! Go ahead and put those gay ass clothes back on. And hurry the f*ck up!". She went downstairs with pounding footsteps, which was normal no matter what mood she is in. "We'll be in the car", Lamonaquisha said. LaQueefa was muttering, "How the hell a nigga gon' dress like dat when dey wit me. S*it, this ain't Scarface!". She closed the car door. Guido, in his normal clothes, and Giosue hurried their way to the car. They got in and all of them were headed for a nearby mall. LaQueefa got out of the car and said, "Just kiddin'. You expect my big a** to fit in here?". "No", said Guido, chuckling. "We gon' walk". Giosue said to Guido, "Papa, she's starting to scare me". Guido said, "No worries, Giosue. You'll be fine. I promise you". Giosue complained, "But she's freakishly huge. She could kill us". Guido laughed and said, "You're overreacting. Just give it a chance. I'm sure we're in a safe environment. If anything goes wrong, I'll be there. You know that, don't you?". "Yes", Giosue replied. "Alright" Guido said. He patted his shoulder and they began their walk to the mall.


	2. Chapter 2: A Passion For Food

Chapter 2

It has only been 20 seconds and LaQueefa was already out of breath. She was panting and breathing heavily, and said, "S*it!", in exhaustion. "Does getting tired after walking less than 30 seconds run in your family?", Guido joked. LaQueefa said, "Actually, yes. Come on, I'll make it" as she took a drink from a bottle of hot sauce that she keeps in her purse. Giosue asked, "Was that hot sauce?". Guido replied to him, "Yes it was". So they continued their long way to the mall LaQueefa and Lamonaquisha always hang out at.

Approximately 40 minutes later, they finally arrived. LaQueefa was lucky she didn't die. She did, though, passed out, but felt better after looking at a picture of a stack of Big Macs. Everywhere she went, LaQueefa assumed there would be a McDonald's close by. She was obviously infatuated with Big Macs and orders approximately 50 in every order she makes, along with 20 large fries, 600 chocolate chip cookies, and a Diet Coke. Guido asked, "So what kind of places are in this mall?". "Oh, lots of places from clothing stores to CD shops. But my main destination is the Food Court", LaQueefa replied. "Of course it is", Guido said. "I mean, dey got err'thang up in thur! Even a McDonald's, and a Panda Express!". Giosue asked, "What's Panda Express?". Lamonaquisha said, "Nigga, I was finna slap you fo' a second, but I forgot dey don't have it in Italy. It's Chinese food. Dey got orange chicken, teriyaki chicken, kung pao chicken, beef, egg rolls, chow mein, fried rice. It's err'thang a b*tch could want all at one place. It's heaven."

They entered the mall and LaQueefa said, "A'ight, err'body split up. I'll go with my mama, you and Gi—Oh, f*ck". Guido chuckled and again corrected, "Giosue. You'll get it". LaQueefa snapped, "It ain't funny, nigga! Whenever food's on my mind, which it is 24/7, I don't think about anything else! Well, food and the fact that my titties itch. As I wuz sayin', y'all go together and stay together. I ain't finna be losin' no lil kids cause I'll be arrested and ain't nobody got time fo' dat! Split_!". _And the four split with LaQueefa with Lamonaquisha and Guido with Giosue.

LaQueefa and Lamonaquisha were on their way to any and every place in the mall with food. During their "journey", they conversated about Guido and Giosue. LaQueefa asked, "So, mama, what do you think?". Her mom replied, "I can't say much for Giosue cuz that lil nigga only 4 or 5 years old. He pretty quiet. That's all I gotta say. Guido, I think he's a nice guy. It's like he never gets angry. He the only nigga I haven't crushed with my big a** titties". They laughed. LaQueefa said, "But forreal doe, I think dey real respectful. But I don't know how long dey finna stay hurr". "Well, we'll let them decide. I personally don't mind", Lamonaquisha replied, "And besides, he kinda cute". LaQueefa stared blankly, showing the thirst of his mom. _This b*tch is more thirsty than a slave!, _she thought. "What?", Lamonaquisha asked. LaQueefa said, "You thirsty". "I know", her mom replied, along with the duck face. They arrived the Food Court and waited in a line for Panda Express. It was a long line, so they passed the time by twerking to Rihanna's "Pour It Up" and Trinidad James's "All Gold Everything", not giving a damn who watches them. A group of ratchet females were watching them, cheering and shouting, "AYY!". They earned $50. They ordered their food, which consisted of 90 bowls of orange and teriyaki chicken, 50 orders of fried rice, 600 fortune cookies, and two cups of Diet Mountain Dew. "We should prolly order somethin' fo' Guido and...Giosue. Yeah, nigga! I got it right!". "B*tch, this is already enough!". LaQueefa agreed and they sat down.

Guido and Giosue were busy buying new clothing from different stores. After they were all done, they were trying to find the Food Court. LaQueefa's ringtone, Boo Koo Booty by KRBG, played. She answered it with her mouth full, "Yeah?". "Where are you guys. We're trying to find you". "At the Food Court. Hold up, a'ight, we see you". Guido and Giosue sat down. Guido asked, "You two have been here the whole time?". Lamonaquisha said, "Yeah. The rest of the order is in the car". "How much did you-", Guido asked until LaQueefa interrupted by showing him the bill, which extended all the way to the car. Guido's jaw dropped. He asked, "And you payed for all of it, too? Where did you get that much money?". "Twerking", LaQueefa said. Guido asked, "What's that?". LaQueefa stood up and started twerking again. Giosue asked, "How does she do that?". Guido, with confusion, answered, "I'm not sure". She sat back down. "Come on, you said you never had this before, so, now's your chance". So Guido and Giosue tried the orange chicken. Guido said, "I like it". "Me, too", replied Giosue. LaQueefa asked, "So, what's it like in Italy?". Guido replied, "Oh, it's just beautiful. The land, the sights, and the culture". "What about their food?", LaQueefa asked, as she scratched her oversized titties.

Guido said, "Well, if there's one thing Italy is known for, it's their cuisine. We have a primo, or first course and a segundo, which is second course. Wine is a big part of our cuisine, since Italy produces the largest amount of wine in the world. I recommend Prosecco". "I f*ckin' love Italy!", LaQueefa said as soon as she heard what he said about wine. "And a lot of different beers and many other alcoholic drinks", Guido finished. "By the way, you shouldn't swear around my son. I'm not mad, I'm just letting you know". LaQueefa said, "Yeah, about that, I swear whenever, wherever, and around whoever I want to. There's no stopping me, literally it'll take you hours to get through mah titties to cover mah mouth. Then again, mah mouth is usually full of Big Macs so, yeah we both win". She continued eating as Guido stares blankly. Guido asked, "Have you ever thought about losing weight?". LaQueefa began laughing out loud. She asked, "Oh, you're serious?". Guido said, smiling, "Of course I am". After swallowing an amount of chicken, LaQueefa replied, "I would lose weight, but I hate losing". Guido laughed, thinking it was joke. "I'm dead serious", Laqueefa added with a serious look on a face, "My head says go to the gym, but my heart says food", and she continued eating. Giosue accidentally dropped a piece of chicken on the floor. LaQueefa stared at him with a look that an ordinary person would usually have on their face after hearing somebody they loved or knew has died. She said with her voice broken, "How could you?, as tears welled up in her eyes. Guido thought she was going crazy. He whispered to Lamonaquisha, "Is she always like this?'. She replied, "Yep". LaQueefa went through the table, breaking it to retrieve the piece of chicken. She dusted it off and popped it into her mouth, moaning with pleasure and satisfaction. LaQueefa quickly turned to Giosue and exclaimed, "_What is wrong with you?!"_. Giosue asked, "What did I do?". She started strangling him. Guido didn't know what to think. Never in his whole life has he ever met someone so obsessed with food, like their life depends on it. LaQueefa said that she'll be watching Giosue the whole time him and Guido are here. Guido said, "Don't talk to him that way, he's only 5. Apologize". LaQueefa exclaimed, "Nigga, is you crazy?!". "Now", Guido demanded in a serious tone. LaQueefa said, "I'm sorry". "Good. Now let's put it behind us", Guido said as he finished his bowl. By the time they were done, they continued walking around and looking at different stores.

They entered a CD store that was called, "Twerkin' 4 Music". Lamonaquisha said, "If any of y'all see anything you want, run it by me, and I'll get it". Guido said, "Miss, it's alright, I'll go ahead and pay". She said, "Aww, dat s*it's so sweet, but you can pay me back another way this evening". Guido said, "I don't know what you mean by that, but okay", and went with Giosue. Minutes later passed, and they met up at a spot in the shop. Lamonaquisha said, "A'ight. LaQueefa, did you find somethin' you wanted?". LaQueefa held up a 2Chainz CD. Guido said, "Interesting". Lamonaquisha said, "What about you?". He held an Andrea Bocelli CD. Lamonaquisha, "I don't know who tha f*ck that nigga is, but okay". Guido asked, "Giosue, did you want anything?". Giosue said, "No". Guido asked, "Are you sure?". Giosue shook his head. LaQueefa then said, "A'ight. Let's get this payed for and get the h*ll outta here!". Guido said in a slightly stern tone, "What did I say about cursing in front of my son?". LaQueefa said, "Sorry. It's like food, you know? It's a necessity in my life.". Guido asked, "The need to curse?". "Yeah", LaQueefa replied simply. He laughed and said, "Well, that's not a reasonable necessity in life". LaQueefa said, "It is for me.", and patted her weave. They headed for several other stores and were done shopping an hour later. They continued talking for the walk back. "So, what do people twerk for?", Guido asked. "Lots of things: they twerk at work, restaurants, birthdays, funerals, church, graduations, their home, hospitals, concerts, beaches, malls, schools, post offices, colleges, jobs, meetings, business conferences, games, weddings, museums, baby showers, court rooms, death punishments, court hearings, baby deliveries, wars, the inauguration of president Obama, plays, award shows, in dumpsters, cemeteries, wakes, laboratories, protest rallies. Basically, anywhere". "Who would twerk at a protest rally?", Guido asked curiously. LaQueefa said, "My cousin, that's who. Her name is Chocolatisha. She was a local activist who twerked at a protest to keep McDonald's open. God bless her ratchet soul.", she looked up to the sky. Her and Lamonaquisha took a bite of Big Macs they were holding and saluted. Giosue asked, "What's twerking?". Guido laughed and said, "You don't wanna know". He looked down and noticed that his tie was missing. He said, "What happened to my tie?". LaQueefa replied, "Oh, I used it as a napkin to wipe the grease from this chicken off my lips". "How much do you eat?", he asked.

"I eat like humans breathe, like the sea flows, like blood flows through our bodies, like niggas shoot. It's really unknowable how much, but I just say infinity", she said proudly, doing the duck face and flipping the middle finger. Giosue asked, "Papa, what does that mean?". "I'll explain it when you're older", Guido said. LaQueefa bluntly said, "Oh it means 'f*ck you'". Guido looked and said, "I just said when he's older". "Nigga, I've been doin' that since I was 2. I did that, steal food, s*it, I walked to KFC when I wuz 1. And I ordered my own food". "You could walk at age 1?", asked Guido. LaQueefa replied, "Well, roll and bounce, but same thing. When I was born, they cut the umbilical cord off, I ran straight to the fridge, and knocked the b*tch out, and took her chicken". Guido didn't know whether to laugh or stare with shock. Giosue asked, "Does KFC have chicken?". LaQueefa said, "Nigga, you catch on fast. Dey just like Panda Express, dey got err'thang! Obviously fried chicken, but dey got wings, chicken bites, corn on the cob, collared greens, mashed potatoes, grilled chicken. In fact, it's better than Panda Express. Their crispy, crunchy skin. I could taste it right now. I praise KFC every day, I thank the Lord every day for the establishment of KFC and the birth of Colonel Sanders.", LaQueefa was now salivating and moaning, then began sobbing loudly. She stopped, wiped her tears, and said, "Sorry, I get really emotional when I talk about it".

They finally arrived home, several minutes later. LaQueefa and her mama were watching videos on World Star Hip Hop while Guido and Giosue were outside, playing catch. Later, they all were sitting in the living room, talking. Lamonaquisha said, "Uh, Guido, can I talk to you upstairs?". "Sure", Guido replied as he got up to go with her. LaQueefa asked Giosue, "Got any food?". Giosue said, "No". She paused and said, "I'ma sit on yo' a** later on". Giosue looked horrified.


	3. Chapter 3: This Bitch's Work

Chapter 3: Tragedy After Sex

Lamonaquisha and Guido went to her bedroom. But there was a problem! Her extremely large titties got stuck in the door. Grunting, she exclaimed, "I'm stuck!". Guido asked, "What happened?". "My titties got stuck in the door!". She luckily got them out and closed the door. She said, "I want to talk to you about something". "About what?", Guido asked. Lamonaquisha explained, "I'm not sure if you noticed this, but, I'm attracted to you". At this point, Guido didn't know what to think. He now had a nervous look on his face and was blushing, in a mix of embarrassment and confusion. He hesitated and asked to make sure he heard her correctly, "What?". She then revealed, "I've been attracted to you since I met you. I dream about making love to you like I wanna make love with all the Big Macs in the world, not just any love, _sex!_". Guido, surprised, asked, "Sex? With me?". Lamonaquisha said, "Yes. You're so damn fine. I love you and I just want you to feel the same way about me".

Guido laughed nervously and said, "Hold on a minute. I'm married". "Then where is yo' b*tch, I mean wife?". Guido paused for a moment and said, "I hope she's still in Italy". "Look at us, I'm single, well, technically single cuz you don't know where yo' lil ho is, I need you". She took her clothes off and layed in bed. She said, "Join me". Guido hesitated again and stuttering while saying, "I don't think-" until she pulled him to her bed. All of a sudden, it was hard to resist the temptation. It was an intimate, yet noticeable moment of deep and sensual sexual contact. Minutes later, LaQueefa went upstairs and opened the door. "Guido?", she said. Him and Lamonaquisha popped up from the covers of her bed, nude.

LaQueefa said, "I'll pretend I didn't see this. Anyway, Guido, I don't know why I didn't mention this before, cause food's always on my mind, but some woman named Dora died...two years ago". Guido now was in a somber state. His voice quivered as he said, "How?". With no hesitation, LaQueefa explained, "Well, I saw her walking down the street on my way back from Popeyes, Roscoes, Burger King, KFC, Taco Bell, Benihana, and McDonald's, she asked me where the nearest bank was by tapping me on the shoulder. So I turned around too fast and my titty smacked the lil b*tch in her face, she wuz just laying there. So after i finished eating the mints in her purse, I called 911. I went to a hospital after stopping by Church's Chicken, Pizza Hut, Subway, In-N-Out, Cerellas, and Applebees. I finally got to the hospital, there were pumping her and just pumping her.

So I got tired of waiting cause my food in the cafeteria was ready and I went to go get it. Sadly, she didn't wake from the coma, so I tried to wake her up by punching her with my titty, and the flatline beeped and she passed away, God bless her poor soul and the ho I knocked out who kept telling me to hurry up at the line at KFC. I went to her funeral, but left after the prayer to go get sum mo' chicken at her repass. So I left and went to her house to steal all of her food in the refrigerator. Then I robbed two of her family members of their money from her inheritence and bought some mo' food. Now I'm just watching you and my mama getting freaky. I got that wet wet, I got that wet wet".

Guido immediately broke down, sobbing. Lamonaquisha got dressed and said, "I'm sorry, Guido". LaQueefa was now eating a Big Mac. Guido was now hysterical and inconsolable. "Boy, calm down it's natural for people to die, although her's by getting smacked in the face with my beautiful ass titties ain't the right way to go, but we all know she's in a better place". She then unwrapped another Big Mac and took a huge bite. "Damn, this sh*t is good", she said, moaning with pleasure. Guido was still crying in the bed. "Nigga, it's not that bad, you can come with me to her grave", she said. "Her grave?", he asked. "Yeah, I've gone there for the past two years and twerked on it. You welcome to watch if you want." Guido just stared at her before crying again. She shrugged and took another bite.

Giosue went up the stairs and shouted, "Papa, what's going on?". Guido placed his hand on his shoulder and said while hesitating, "Um, son..". LaQueefa said, "Hold on. I'll tell him. Yo' mama died cuz I smacked her in the face wit my titties and she fell into a coma that she didn't get out of. Go ahead and cry now. I'ma get sum mo' food. Rest in peace, and all dat". She left. Guido hugged Giosue as they were both in grief. Lamonaquisha began beating the s*it out of LaQueefa with her titties. Her titties punched, did a windmill, kicked, upper-cutted, and even strangled LaQueefa. This shows how much trouble she was in. She hollered, "_B*tch, you must've lost you d*mn mind! Are you crazy?!". _LaQueefa kept yelling for her to stop, but she just kept beating her like Ike did Tina. Guido and Giosue just sat there in a state of depression and hopelessness.

Time passed, and Guido was on the couch, quiet. Lamonaquisha came downstairs and sat next to him. She held his hand and said, "Some things you just have to accept even when it's hard. Even I'm learning to do it. Things like this I know it's hard to move on, but remember that she now in a better place. Is she Jewish?". Guido sniffled and replied, "Yes". She said, "Well, it's better to die from the smack of a titty than extermination. Just remember the good times you both shared together". Guido said, "Thank you, I feel a little bit better. I'll be right back". He went upstairs to find Giosue asleep. He kissed his forehead and whispered, "_Sogni d'oro _(Sweet dreams)".


End file.
